Reflecting..tiring but a necessity.

One thing that Miss Shima taught her students to do is to reflect ourselves. In Arabic the term is 'muhasabah diri'. I've come across situations that made me reflect a lot about myself lately. I guess growing up does change your life a lot. And yeah, miss Shima is right again. Reflecting is tiring. Of course it is. It's not easy to admit u've done a mistake. And when u've admitted it u have 2 accept that all the consequences that happened again, comes from you yourself. After that you have to think differently and find the solution to it.


Today I reflect on myself again. I told my friend and cousin about it. Ironically, I could admit what I've done so easily even though it's obviously BAD. Now I realised why things that I don't want to happen always happens again. It's because Allah wants to keep reminding me, DON'T DO IT! I take years to realise all this. Thanks to Miss Shima, I realised it because of the reflection that I did during my birthday.


One thing that I have to admit about myself is I am very dependant to people around me. Not to say that I am not independant, what I meant was I am a person who can't bear living alone. I love to be surrounded by people and I love to have lotsa friends around me. I'm the happiest when I'm with the ones I love. Another thing about me is I tend to trust people easily, get close easily and love someone easily. Love here excludes boys. Because I tend to love people easily I feel very happy indeed but it is always for a short time period because not long after that, that person would be taken away from me. I have faced that situation more than 10 times I guess. And every time it happens I will hit my head and say, "kan dah kata jgn syg org sgt. Nape lupa?!"


Another thing that keeps happening is when I dislike someone eventually I will love that person. This is the most tiring part. Can u imagine hating someone and falling in the love with the same person the next day? If you've experienced it you'd know how painful it is to accept it. The thing that you can't help is to feel EMBARRASED. That's what I'm feeling right now. I am still embarrassed with myself. Years before I've said to myself, "jgn benci org sgt nanti jd syg". But look what's happening to me? The exact same thing, over and over again!


Do you how it feels when you hate a person? You will feel that everything that the person does will annoy you. You dislike that person in every way and you ssaid to yourself you will never be close with that person. Suddenly, BAM! The next day that person did something nice to YOU and you feel touched. The moral of the story is, don't hate anyone! As for me, I need to learn to stop repeating history.


The most painful part of me reflecting this time is that I did more than 1 mistake. I can't really tell the whole world what actually happened. Am I not embarrassed enough? I can just say things vaguely here. I feel like crying as I type all this but it's ok. That's why reflecting is tiring, aite? I feel so small after reflecting today. My past mistakes are supposed to make me mature but unfortunately I didn't manage to learn from it. When something bad happens to me I always WANT to forget that situation. Maybe that is why I keep repeating it. I don't wanna learn from it.

Today I am writing this on my blog because I want to remember it. Honestly, I'm not confident with myself that I won't repeat it again but I am trying my best to change this year. If I forget this, please remind me. Especially to those who are close with me. When I say bad things about people remind me that everyone makes mistakes and even I am prone to do the same mistake in the future. When I dislike a person, remind me that 1 day I might fall in love with the same person and it would be painful. When I look down to people, remind me that we are all human and it we have no right to look down to anyone. Only Allah has the right to do so. And if I cry one day because of history repetition, tell me that we are all imperfect and repeating mistake is part and parcel of life.

I cannot undo the past but I can learn from it. I hope from today onwards I will remember not to love someone too much and not to hate anyone. To this particular person that I have wronged, I know you wouldn't know it's you even if you read this, but I just want to say I'm ashamed with myself for hating you. No one knows I hate you but when I've started loving you I can't complain if Allah takes you away from me just like the ones I loved before. Maybe if it does happen, it's just for me to REALLY LEARN from all this.

Alright, I need to stop now. If I keep writing I'd start crying for real. Despite being tired of reflecting, I'm happy that I could reflect because it shows that I'm growing up and learning something. Hopefully, it would be a lifetime learning. Insya Allah..