Holiday eh?

Wow! It's finally the 27th of September. Tomorrow class starts back as usual. Ahaha! You know what? At first I dreaded this moment, but after finishing my comp assignment I feel better and very enthusiastic to go back to UiTM. For the 1st time in my life (Ithink) I only started to do my assignment on 4am (Saturday) and I'm supposed to be back on Sunday! I finish my work at 10.30am. Huhu. Quite long,eh? But I only rate my persentation to 2 1/2 stars out of 5. Hoho. I dun think I deserve more than that. It's complete but not that fancy la..

I haven't finish my linguistics assignment. Oh wait, I haven't even started anything! Haha!! I dunno what came over me. I was so DARN LAZY throughout this holiday and I don't feel bad about it. My sis asked me at 4a.m, "why didn't u do ur assignment earlier?" and I answered, "sbb sebelum ni malas nak buat". Jujur x jwpn aku? Haha!! When am I gonna do that linguistic thingy? Ryte after blogging,keyh? I'm joining my mom to an open house after zohor so hopefully I manage to finish it before noon. Quite impossible but it's ok to set targets aite? :p

Actually this one week holiday doesn't really feels like a holiday. My mind can't stop thinking about our drama assignment. There are so many things to prepare and yet I couldn't start anything coz boss said so. I've been preparing myself mentally.. I know that after the hols so many things are waiting for me. Just hope I wouldn't lose my grip. But 1 thing for sure, I can't wait to meet my friends. God, I miss them! X sabar nak lompat2 excited jumpa korang balik..mkn kueh raya kat tesl square and gosip2 pasal citer raya.. Haha! N ofkos, x sbr nak jumpa lecturer gak. 2 xbleh nak tipu. Kalo tipu pun org x percaya. Anyways, I gotta stop. Assignment!! Tata readers~

Death Note is back, I'm back!! =)

Owh..how I miss putting Death Note pictures in my blog.. Credits to theOtaku.com as usual for uploading these pictures. This time I only put Kira and Misa's pictures. Heheh..

Kira's winning moment

Who will win this battle?

I like this pic coz Misa's not sexy! Hee..

I think dis pic's kinda smart. Good editting

Hoho...the triumph of being a Kira

Near..winning too easily bcause of d deadline


Dats my Kira

I like this coz it's cool

Misa misa

Wearing Raito's shirt

Something from the comic

Misa looking hot

Hope you guys enjoyed the pics. I'll upload more in the future! *wink*

The Dream

Dreams. What does a dream represent? Why do dream in our sleep? What is the meaning of our dream? I have always asked these questions to myself and I have always wanted to find the answers. I put a target to study about dreams. I’m sure it has something to do with our brain because I know our brain still works when we sleep. One day, I found the answer to my questions. I was happy because I finally knew why I have been dreaming certain things. My close friends would have known about this already. I like to share what I know about dreams with people.

Basically, there are 3 types of dreams. The 1st one is from Allah and it is a sign to something. Not anyone can get this dream. It happens before Subuh. So if you dream of something before Subuh you might want to find out what it means. 2nd is from syaitan. Usually it’s a bad dream. Dreams that keep you asleep and not waking up. For example, dreams that you get during Subuh so that you won’t wake up and solat. Or dreams that you get after asar so that you won’t wake up for maghrib. It usually makes you feel bad when you wake up. The last one is dreams that come from your heart or emotion. Like when you miss that person too much, you dream of that person. Or when you’re too scare of your SPM result you dream that you don’t get A’s at all. It is the dream that either tells your heart’s desire or what you really are afraid of. This is the kind of dream that I always get.

So yesterday I dreamt of a person again. Don’t have to know who that person is. It’s not unusual for me to dream of that person since I love that person very much. It’s just that, this time I dream of the things that I do not want to happen with that person in my life. The dream really disturbed me since I have been all gloomy since I woke up. Nothing seems to enlighten me. All this while I try to think of things from the brighter side but when ‘that’ dream came yesterday I realized how scared I am of what’s happening. It’s hard to share when I couldn’t just let it out but I need to say it out loud somehow so that’s why my fingers are still typing.

I know that things have not been okay between us but it does not really happen because of me so I need not feel worried. It’s just that that person is changing and I am still trying hard to accept the changes. Honestly, I cannot accept all these changes. I feel like I have lost that person after all. Imagine having someone that you love by your side and suddenly Whoosh~! The person’s gone and only left you the memories that you had before. It’s painful. I know that person is not literally gone but that person IS figuratively going away. I cannot accept all this. I kept remembering all the good times I’ve shared with that person. How that person made my day and how much close we were. Now everything is turning 360 degree. I realized now that there is a HUGE WALL between us.

What should I do to accept the changes? It’s too sudden for me. I cannot just control my heart and stop feeling miserable. It just happens. I am trying hard to adapt with this new ‘thing’. And with all the things that are waiting for me in UiTM I think I need that person more than ever. Assignments undone, tests every week, class replacements and finally the finals. I really need that person’s support.

Sigh~all I can do is be strong. Another process of growing up. Learning to accept people as they are. I hate being 18. I am forced to be mature. ERGH!!!! Neway, let’s just hope things would get better for me kay? I wanna keep saying that I’m young and happy. So long peeps, I might be too busy to update my blog after this. C ya!

Jealousy

I can't help being jealous,

I can't control that emotion,

It's not a good feeling,

and I dislike it.

But there's nothing I can do.

I have a dream,

and someone else is living in it,

how could I not be jealous?

All that I want,

is within your reach.

It's not a big deal, I know.

But I hate being jeaous.

I want to face that too

What you're facing now.

Let me have it too.

Patience.

Maybe that's what I need.

The time will come.

Will it?

If I become patient,

and it doesn't turn out the way I want it to be,

won't I be frustrated?

So should I go on dreaming?

Hoping?

Wanting?

Would the waiting be worth while?

i wonder....

~my dream~

One of my happiest day at the faculty!

The time has finally come! It's RAYA MESSENGER'S delivery day! Yeay!! I've been waiting for this day to come since forever! Our works are finally reaching the climax. Custom cards have been printed and other cards have been written. Now it's delivery time!! Being the project manager of this activity really made me use my authority to choose to whom I want to deliver the cards. Heheh.. As expected I took Miss Shima's, Miss Fatin's and Puan Ani's cards. Actually some of my friends requested for their cards but I didn't allow them to. ;p Lol! Why would I since I've been wanting to deliver ot them since I've planned to do this project.

Anyway, the morning started quite frustrating actually. We had a few problems with our custom cards. I thought the day would be so dreaded and long but I was totally wrong! In the afternoon we lost our customer's record. We coudn't detect which card is for whom. No one admitted having the record. At last my 3 committee member went out to search for it. They were out for almost 1 hour and alhamdulillah they found the record at the shop where we printed our custom cards! Lol! I dunno who left it there.

After that we started delivering our cards. Believe me it was really fun! Especially when our customers asked us who is it from and we kept the surprise. I only delivered cards to lecturers that I know. Puan Hajah Zaiton, Madame Noorshah, Puan Shiha, Puan Ani and Miss Fatin. The best part was when we delivered the cards to Puan Ani and Miss Fatin. Hihi, I can't help smiling every time I remember that moment.

At first Puan Ani was walking alone to her room. Unfortunately, it was locked so she had to go to the office to take her room keys. Surprisingly, when she came back Miss Fatin was with her as well. Great! We can deliver the cards to both of them. So we went to Puan Ani's room. Knock knock!! It's locked. "Jap~" Door opened and we entered. "Assalaamualaikum..kami dari Raya Messenger..". Toink, I turned to face Puan Ani. She looked at me as if I was looking for the wrong person. Her face tells me "Apsal ko pergi kat aku, fatin kan kat situ". "Ni kad untuk Puan." At that time Miss Fatin dah senyum2...buat2 tgh buat keje...pandang tempat laen... Suddenly, Seha came to Miss fatin and gave her 2 cards. "These two are for you." "Eh? For me?" Serentak, aku tgh bagi kad dari Miss Fatin kat Puan Ani. Pastu? "Bodoh! Aku bagi kau, kau bagi aku! Haha!!" Then everyone in the room laughed!

Kalo korang tengok la muka Miss fatin masa tue mesti korang gelak giler! Dia nak bagi surprise kat Puan Ani tengok2 dia yg terkejut! Puan Ani pun same je, x expect langsung nak dpt kad dari Miss Fatin. Nasib baik design x same! Haha!! Time aku bagi kad kat Puan Ani tu Miss Fatin buat2 innocent, konon dia xtau pape. Padahal dia dah tau dah kad yg aku bg Puan Ani tu dari dia. Seronok tul tgk muka diorg. Masing2 hepy dpt kad. Lawak pon ada! Dari situ dah boleh nmpk dah...diorg bdua x expect langsung nak dapat kad dari kgkwn diorg! Masing2 ikhlas nak bagi, x sangka kwnnye pon order kad RAYA MESSENGER gak!

You see, those are things that I really treasure. The moment I planned to do this project, those are the things that I can't wait to see. People appreciating, happiness, surprises, smiles and thank yous.. Each time a customer gets a card, we can see how lifted they are. (^_^) After that I had class with Miss Fatin. We went in late so most of the seats were occupied already. We had no choice but to sit in front. Not only in front, in FRONT of Miss Fatin! Haha!! That was the 1st time we ever sat in front during FOE.

What I can say is, RAYA MESSENGER really made my days at the faculty. Not only because I had the chance to deliver the cards but also the times when we promoted about RM, took orders, face problems...all the experiences taught me a lot of things. I get to know more people at the faculty and learn to be cool when problem arises. More importantly, I managed to change my point of view towards someone and finding myself adoring that person. It's weird how something as small as RM can make a big impact in life. I will never forget about RM ever! My first project at the faculty. Seha is not feeling well today. She's back at the college already. I'm gonna hafta find a way of not sleeping in class later! Lol!

Look Into My Eyes & Say It Directly

I got a shocking message today. My 'adik angkat' sent me a message but she asked her friend to tell me the message. She said that she doesn't have anything to do with me anymore. She wants to study and she will pray for my success. Can you people tell me how does those words make sense at all? "____ dah xde pape ngan ko. sori la ckp ni. die suro aku ckpkan. die nak study. dia doakan semoga ko bjaya." Can someone please tell me what's going on? Is this some kind of joke? I don't feel like laughing at all. WTF are you trying to tell me?

I really felt like a knife was stabbed into my heart when I read the message. Sape tak syg adik angkat sendiri oi... I have no idea why she suddenly doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Is she trying to say that she doesn't want to be my pet sis anymore? Why didn't she tell me directly then? Why must she ask someone else to convey the message? Am I a doll? I have feelings too. I want to ask her but she's in SMAPL now. I couldn't contact her or any of her friends. I need explanation. At least tell me why. If it's my mistake then I could at least say sorry. If there's no reason why should I get the message?

Girl, if you're reading this please contact me ASAP. Don't be a coward. I deserve to know why you don't want me anymore in your life. I never want to stop having a sister like you. You've always been there supporting me when I was in form five. If there's something that I did just tell me. I can accept it if it's my bad. Argh!!!! Pandai ko pilih timing nak bagitau kan? I can't do anything until school holiday starts. I can only be patient now. One thing for sure I'll seek for explanation from her. If possible I don't want to have an argument at all with her. It's Ramadhan anyway. I should respect the month at least. Sigh, sabor je la!

Reflecting..tiring but a necessity.

One thing that Miss Shima taught her students to do is to reflect ourselves. In Arabic the term is 'muhasabah diri'. I've come across situations that made me reflect a lot about myself lately. I guess growing up does change your life a lot. And yeah, miss Shima is right again. Reflecting is tiring. Of course it is. It's not easy to admit u've done a mistake. And when u've admitted it u have 2 accept that all the consequences that happened again, comes from you yourself. After that you have to think differently and find the solution to it.


Today I reflect on myself again. I told my friend and cousin about it. Ironically, I could admit what I've done so easily even though it's obviously BAD. Now I realised why things that I don't want to happen always happens again. It's because Allah wants to keep reminding me, DON'T DO IT! I take years to realise all this. Thanks to Miss Shima, I realised it because of the reflection that I did during my birthday.


One thing that I have to admit about myself is I am very dependant to people around me. Not to say that I am not independant, what I meant was I am a person who can't bear living alone. I love to be surrounded by people and I love to have lotsa friends around me. I'm the happiest when I'm with the ones I love. Another thing about me is I tend to trust people easily, get close easily and love someone easily. Love here excludes boys. Because I tend to love people easily I feel very happy indeed but it is always for a short time period because not long after that, that person would be taken away from me. I have faced that situation more than 10 times I guess. And every time it happens I will hit my head and say, "kan dah kata jgn syg org sgt. Nape lupa?!"


Another thing that keeps happening is when I dislike someone eventually I will love that person. This is the most tiring part. Can u imagine hating someone and falling in the love with the same person the next day? If you've experienced it you'd know how painful it is to accept it. The thing that you can't help is to feel EMBARRASED. That's what I'm feeling right now. I am still embarrassed with myself. Years before I've said to myself, "jgn benci org sgt nanti jd syg". But look what's happening to me? The exact same thing, over and over again!


Do you how it feels when you hate a person? You will feel that everything that the person does will annoy you. You dislike that person in every way and you ssaid to yourself you will never be close with that person. Suddenly, BAM! The next day that person did something nice to YOU and you feel touched. The moral of the story is, don't hate anyone! As for me, I need to learn to stop repeating history.


The most painful part of me reflecting this time is that I did more than 1 mistake. I can't really tell the whole world what actually happened. Am I not embarrassed enough? I can just say things vaguely here. I feel like crying as I type all this but it's ok. That's why reflecting is tiring, aite? I feel so small after reflecting today. My past mistakes are supposed to make me mature but unfortunately I didn't manage to learn from it. When something bad happens to me I always WANT to forget that situation. Maybe that is why I keep repeating it. I don't wanna learn from it.

Today I am writing this on my blog because I want to remember it. Honestly, I'm not confident with myself that I won't repeat it again but I am trying my best to change this year. If I forget this, please remind me. Especially to those who are close with me. When I say bad things about people remind me that everyone makes mistakes and even I am prone to do the same mistake in the future. When I dislike a person, remind me that 1 day I might fall in love with the same person and it would be painful. When I look down to people, remind me that we are all human and it we have no right to look down to anyone. Only Allah has the right to do so. And if I cry one day because of history repetition, tell me that we are all imperfect and repeating mistake is part and parcel of life.

I cannot undo the past but I can learn from it. I hope from today onwards I will remember not to love someone too much and not to hate anyone. To this particular person that I have wronged, I know you wouldn't know it's you even if you read this, but I just want to say I'm ashamed with myself for hating you. No one knows I hate you but when I've started loving you I can't complain if Allah takes you away from me just like the ones I loved before. Maybe if it does happen, it's just for me to REALLY LEARN from all this.

Alright, I need to stop now. If I keep writing I'd start crying for real. Despite being tired of reflecting, I'm happy that I could reflect because it shows that I'm growing up and learning something. Hopefully, it would be a lifetime learning. Insya Allah..

09 September 09

Last year, during 8th Aug 08 I wanted to do something meaningful on that day. What I did was I played netball with my friends. It may sound not-so-meaningful and all but believe me, I had fun! It was my 1st time playing netball actually. I really enjoyed the game since we're playing with our seniors. We were the only group representing Asasi students.

Neway, yesterday I wanted to do something meaningful too. As far as I can remember I did 2 meaningful things. 1st I had a study group with Zach,Siha & Muyi and 2nd I slept at my senior's house. Hehe. The 1st one was meaningful coz it helped me a lot in understanding linguistics and alhamdulillah with their help I could answer the mid term test...even tho I've checked and I know I have a few mistakes already! Lol! But it's ok.. Can't expect to get 100% aite?


The 2nd one was also very meaningful. At 1st cam segan giler ngan housemate die tp diorang cam friendly so I feel welcomed. Cam biase ar pompuan kalo da dok sesame mesti buat pillow talk. Hik2. On9 sampy 12.30 then tido. Pagi bgn sahur tlg die masak. Ceh, tolong ker? Aku panaskan nasi je! Haha!! Die yg sebok memasak + memanaskan lauk. Kenyang giler dow~

Tetibe rase cam dok umah sendirik lak. Akk2 yg laen kul 4 da bgn gi sahur kat luar. Diorg ajak aku ngn K.Aida sekali tp aku cam segan ah nak ikut. 2 yg kitorg sahur bdua je 2. Huhu. Housemate K.Aida 3 org bdk music & lg sorg dak PJ cam dier. Time aku dok berborak ngn K.Aida tu dgr la suara lemak merdu K.Farah...n sempat dgr K.Wahid maen keyboard. Teringin sgt nak dgr K.Zana main violin tp die segan. haha. Bleh plak segan ngan aku!

mesti best kalo dpt dgr org maen biola kan..?

Maybe next time. It's 7.22 a.m now and they're both sleeping behind me. I dun feel lyk sleeping especially since I have Literature mid-term test dis evening! Kyaa~~~ Miss Shima brought the test forward. It's supposed to be next week! Never mind tho. I'll do my best. I've only studied Sunrise On The Veld. 5 more short stories to go. Adja2x!! I really wanna score this test coz Lit's my fav subj 4 dis sem. N having a lect lyk her, I shud get good result. I know she's very stingy wit marks especially since Lit is very subjective so I'd have to study harder. I wonder how wud d questions be? Hmm...hafta wait dis evening 4 d answer. I really can't bear seeing her limping and climbing the stairs but there's like NOTHING that I can do. I just pray dat she'd get better SOON. Insya Allah...Amin~

Wish me luck 4 my test dis evening! ;p

360 degree!

My birthday turned out to be 360 degree different from what I expected. Look at my happy face up there! All the reasons that I gave before that I said would make my birthday a disaster didn't really happen anyhow.

1st, turning 18 wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Maybe dats because I've prepared myself mentally to be 18. I would admit that at 1st turning 18 was not a good feeling and then suddenly this hero came out of nowhere and told me that I'm ready to be a young adult. I want to start acting like a young adult and I will (even tho I'm not so sure how). On my birthday eve I decided to write a birthday journal which will consist of my reflections about myself throughout the past 1 year. What have I done, what are my mistakes, my regrets and what should I do this year so that the incidents would never happen again. It was tiring at first to think back all the bad memories that I had. I almost cried while writing my journal. My reflections bought me back to the times when I feel that the world is turning upside down for me. Of course itw asn't a good feeling. Ironically, all those reflections made my birthday even more MEANINGFUL than before because I have found out what would make myu birthday special every year.


That night I suddenly realised that wishes, cards and presents are not the things that would make birthday different from other days. I have a different perception about birthdays now. 360 degree different from what I used to believe. From this year onward I would make my birthday eve the time for me to reflect, to cry maybe and to decide to CHANGE for good. Or in other words...it's the time for me to grow up.



My 2nd reason-Ramadhan. Well, I did celebrate my birthday with my twin. It was not that 'grand' but what's important is we spent some time together on that special day. We even had a slice of cake. Suddenly there's a stall selling choc cake on my birthday! Selama ni xde pun mak cik tu jual kek. Rezeki...walaupun my cousin complain cake tu tawar, I pulak kata cake tu pahit sebab I makan bahagian bawah yang hangus...bersyukur la sbb dpt jgk makan cake... Haha!


My 3rd reason-family. I thought my mom would just text me to wish my birthday. Hehe..sengal x? She called!! I can't change the fact that my dad is not around but at least I'm happy coz my mom didn't forget and called. I thought she would just text me! (hokei...sengal...)

My 4th reason-My motivator. Yeap, she was not at the faculty the whole week. It does feel different. But she texted me on my birthday...wishing me... OMG I can't tell u how happy I was at that moment. I was still sleeping actually but I woke up because of the message. Terus segar bugar! I know she's not the type that would remember people's birthday that's why I didn't want to expect anything. But she did remember! X kesahla dia ingat sbb reminder fb sekali pun, yang penting dia WISH!!!


Last but not the least...the reason that my birthday was very meaningful was because of RAYA MESSENGER~!! This is the 1st time I'm conducting a project at my faculty. Everything went well. All the cards were sold and we even got another 25 extra orders. I'd have to buy them this weekend. Everyone from the faculty was very supportive, my friends gave good co-operation and we got a lot of orders from the lecturers!! It was really cool. I can't wait to start sending the cards to the recipients. Each day I was excited to come to the faculty because of this project. It was tiring, I would admit but the satisfaction that you get when people buy the cards was good. It feels very worthy.

Thanks to you guys...this project made the whole week meaningful. I had a great time promoting, explaining and taking orders. Next year, we're gonna do better than this year! There are things that we need to improve but that's okay coz this is our 1st time. For a 1st timer we didn't screw up actually. We just need to make sure that custom card thingy wouldn't be as 'fening' as this year!

The conclusion is...? I'm very grateful and happy that I had fun during my birthday. I got a sweet present from Siha and Amri. Thanx a lot! Love it! Birthdays can be meaningful in many ways. I should not restrict the reason for me to be happy. And most importantly, growing up is not as bad as I thought! =)